Reloading...ME

Four years...full of tears...lost faith in God but I had no fear...ya see the right people were in place...through all my anger and hate...I wouldn't have dealt with me...with all the BS on my plate.

Lost my queen a year into it then I lost me a little more...well a lot...shut so many people out....didn't want visitors at my door.

Some days I wouldn't get out of bed...but my friend would stop through. I'd lay in her arms and cry like a baby, I didn't know what to do.

But somehow I found strength to tell my doctor about my grief. Started personal therapy against my belief. A month into it, COVID-19 began to pop. So my therapist called and told me our sessions had to stop

Schools closed, I could no longer leave the house. I slowly started to feel myself going into a deeper hole that I couldn't see myself crawling out.

So, I sent my doctor a message against my better judgment you see. I asked her to give me medicine for anxiety and depression so I could become a better me.

It worked for a little while, I started feeling like me again, but the longer I stayed in the house, the longer I started backtracking, My Friend.

So, I finally started with a new therapist, grew to love the person I'd become. I was so closed-minded when I first saw her! "Where'd THIS little girl come from?"

I texted "Boo ThAng" throughout my first session

Told him they sent a girl from grade school.

What was SHE about to help me with?

"Come here, Baby. Let me wipe that drool!"

But, I decided to open my mind

One session turned into three

My mind was finally free!

This lady was really helping me!

Throughout my time with her

I learned to let go

Of a lot of the hurt, guilt and shame

That held me hostage and had me knocking on suicide's door

I told her about the time I'd cut my wrist.

I was tired! I didn't want to live!

I told her about the sexual abuse

I had no more of me to give!

She encouraged me to do certain things that I'd let go of during this time

She encouraged me to find my passion again

To exercise, to get healthy and to find my peace of mind

I'd drop 30+ pounds in three months

Dropped a few more during month four

But the weight loss came a little too late

Diabetes problems had already begun knocking on my door

I was in my 20s when I was first diagnosed with this disease

It ran through my family pretty quick

But all I knew was I wasn't feeling well

My vision was blurry. I was really sick.

So, once again, I found myself reaching out to my doctor.

Made an appointment and I decided to go in

She sent me to the lab and called me a few days later with bad news

My pancreas had shut down...glucose level at almost 400.

Lord! Why can I never truly win?!

I could have given up, but I'd already made changes, so let me kick diabetes in the rear

The healthier I became the better I felt

Guess what, y'all. Last week, my vision began to reappear!

I plan to stay on my healthy journey

Stick around if you please

I have a surprise in store as I continue to explore

This version of love that is THE NEW ME!